Listener of a Husband

Husband: I didnt not speak to my wife in the last six months
Friend: Why?
Husband: I didn't want to interrupt.

Courtesy: Niharika

Painting Blonde

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. 

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. 

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said.  How much will you charge me? " 

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" 

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. 

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" 

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" 

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." 

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 

"You're finished already?" the husband asked. 

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." 

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. 

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!!!"

an email sent by Badar 6th July 2005

Heavenly Expenses

A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight, and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.
A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.
Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."
Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed "I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."
Ten the lawyer said plainly "You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"

Political Lies

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

Cat on the Roof

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

Wedding Promises

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. "So what are your plans?" The father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." He says. "A Torah scholar, Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man said, and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Heavenly Whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

Old M&Ms

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

Camping Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent."

Lost and 'to be' Found

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbour protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Chicken or Bread?

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.

Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''

Bewitched Forest

One upon a time, in a land far far away....there was a forest where all the animals lived.
Any animal conceivable lived in that forest. There was harmony and respect for each others' similarities and differences.

One day, the evil witch decided to spoil this harmony, because she wanted to invade the forest and make it her domain.

So she gathered around all the animals of the forest, from the elephants to the lions, to the antelopes, and even up to the little fish.

And she said to the animals: "I am going to kill all of you. But, I will spare you if you can tell a joke, and all the animals laugh. Even if one animal doesn't laugh, you will die. Understood?"

All the animals nodded their consent, their fear of the witch was strong.

"So who will go first?" the witch asked.

The rabbit, who was the joker of the forest, volunteered.
He felt that since he has made many animals laugh with all his previous jokes, this task should be an easy one.

He then told the funniest joke he could think of, and at the end of it, all the animals laughed, except one.
The tortoise.

So the witch killed the rabbit.

Next up, the deer volunteered.
After her joke, all the animals laughed, except one.
The tortoise.

And the deer died as well.

Then, it was the anteaters' turn.
But just as the anteater was about to start his joke, the tortoise suddenly laughed.

"oh boy" he said, "the rabbit's joke was funny"

Courtesy: Badar

Camera and Pans

A professional photographer, at a friend's house for dinner, was asked to show his portfolio from a recent overseas trip.

His friends were quite impressed.

"What wonderful photos!" said the host's wife. "You must have a very expensive camera."

The photographer just smiled and waited until after dinner, when he said, "Thank you for the delicious meal. You must have very expensive pans!"

courtesy: Badar

Death Row Prisoner

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

for those who don't understand what song it is. Refer here

Argument Settled

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

Traffic Violations in Italy

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian Border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops and tells them "It's-a illegal to put-a five-a people in a Quattro"

"Vos ist das? illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro means-a four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro ist jost ze name of ze fokken automobile" says the German, "look at ze dam papers, ze car iz for carrying fife peoples designed."

"You can-a pull-a that-a one on-a me!" replies the Italian Customs officer, "Quattro means-a four. You have-a five-a people in-a you car and-a you are therefore-a breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You dummkopf! Call your supervisor commen z emit, at vunce, I vant to schpeak mit someone mit intelligence!"
"He no can-a come" says the Italian Customs officer, " he's-a busy with-a two guys in-a Fiat Uno."

Courtesy: Badar

Shaving Balls

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a smallwooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheekand gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barberproceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After afew strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallowit?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Courtesy: Sameera

Courtesy for previous joke: Aditya

Legal Name Calling

A woman was suing a man for defamation of character, charging that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial, he asked the Judge, "Does this mean that I can't call Miss Stuart a pig?"

The Judge said that was accurate.

"Does this also mean that I can't call a pig 'Miss Stuart'?" the man asked.

The Judge told the man that he could indeed call a pig 'Miss Stuart' with no fear of legal action.

The man then looked Miss Stuart directly in the eye and said, "Good afternoon, Miss Stuart!"

Gourmet Reporter

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.

He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.

"But you don''t understand!" he cries, "You can''t do this to me! I''m an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"

"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well look on the bright side. Soon you will be editor-in-chief!"

Zoo Story

A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman.

The policeman said, "Take that sheep to the zoo, now."

Next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again.

The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that sheep?"

The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I''m taking him to the movies."

Old incovenience

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Sea Shore studs

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't - and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big Radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up &down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes ….." he replied -
.
.
.
.
"She sells C cells by the sea shore!"

Courtesy: Badar

With arms with open

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.

Courtesy: Badar (even for the cross-eyed dog joke)

Cross-eyed Dog

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,

then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

Two Liners

A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

--------------------------------------------------------------------
'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'

'How's that? (Howzzat!!)' 'Don't you start.'

courtesy: Badar

Two teenage criminals

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks..

They charged one and let the other one off.

Courtesy: Badar

note: comment on this joke if you don't understand it.

Irish Disaster

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed

into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far

and expect that number to climb As digging continues into the night!

Courtesy: Badar

p.s: some indians know this joke with irish substituted for sikhs

Chair Man of the Board

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

3 questions

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that kinda steep?", asked the man while dolling out the $50.00.
"Yes," answered the lawyer, "what's your third question?"

Dedicated Son

After the dedication service of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

Driving People

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath,

and stopped few centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet

in the cab, and then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver –

I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years..."

Courtesy: Krithika

It's Not for him, Stupid

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."