POOF

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''

Grapey Nails

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says,"No, sorry." So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck comes back and asks,"Got any grapes?" The bartender again says "No."

This goes on for several days, until the bartender has enough and says,"Look, everyday you come in here and ask if we have any grapes and everyday I say no. The next time you come in here I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!"

The next day the duck comes back and asks the bartender, "Got any nails?" The bartender says, "No."

"Got any grapes?"

Chef!

How do you know if the head chef is a clown?

When the food tastes funny.

(really found this funny.)

Better Marriage

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you," she pointed out.

"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still ahead," I said.

She look mystified. "How do you figure?"

"I married better," I replied.

Replacement Husband

Duck decoys, fishing rods, boots -- outdoor gear of all kinds was piled high in the garage. One day I found my wife staring at the mess. "I hope I die first, so I don't have to get rid of all this," she sighed.

"Look on the bright side," I suggested. "If I go first, you can put an ad in the paper. When all the men come by to check out the stuff, you can pick out a replacement for me."

Still staring at the pile, she said, "Nah. He wouldn't be my type."

Funeral Procession

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

Good looking Horse

A guy wanted to buy a race horse for himself but he didn't have a lot of money. So he went to the shop and said to the Asian clerk, "give me your cheapest race horse". The clerk said to the guy, "Okay but be careful it don't look too good." So the clerk brings him a horse that had bright glitter, spray graffiti and ribbon streams all over the poor horse.

Confused, the guy looked at the horse and takes it and bets all the rest of his money on his horse to win a race. During the race when the horses went around the bend, his horse ran into the wall, costing the man his win. The man went back to the Asian clerk and asked, "What the hell happened mate, the horse ran into the wall?"

"Yeah" the clerk replied pointing to his eyes, "It doesn't look good."

Elderly Courting

An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.

"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."

The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"

She said, "Six."

The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."

Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

Shopping Kiss

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

Alternative Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"